Humans are mere numbers
Going through burnout made me realize that we are merely judged by our ‘numbers’.
“The more I learned psychology and data analytics, the more I see humans as numbers,” someone said to me, “and I can’t say that I like that. I feel like it’s wrong.”
As a high school student (at that time), I can’t fully comprehend what he meant by that. But as I grow older, I started to understand that humans and numbers are very, very inseparable. Even from majors such as psychology who roars the jargon “to humanize human”, numbers are still inseparable from humans. Let’s say, you got an IQ test at school, doing the same thing as everyone else’s, only to get the result you have a lower IQ than everyone else’s. Although no matter how many psychologists have said that IQ doesn’t matter, at the end of the day you’ll end up feeling shitty. You are valued as less.
Now, as I grow older, I started to learn about a career path, about the future, or gaining some money. I learned how to impress people, how to gather an audience, how to scale up my values. And how’s that? Again, numbers. Big numbers. I sat on a webinar, listened to someone’s advice on how to build a meaningful CV, or listened to interview simulation. The advice (although repetitive, I believe it worked) is again: how big of a number you’ve successfully achieved? Have you led 1000+ people on a project? Have you baptized 500+ lost lambs in a mosque? If the answer is a no, most likely you’ll be marked (as far as I know) a C- from the list of candidates.
So, you know, there were two or three times (I believe it wasn’t once) I kept on considering the sensational pathway to achieve my career. I could, let’s say, pick a fight with someone simply just to drive someone up the wall. Boom, then I’ll be gaining followers (woohoo, big numbers!), they will be hating on me at first but slowly realizing that I’m a pearl in the mud, then they will support me no matter what (even if I’m just being alive and breathing). At the end of the day, I could finally say that “I’ve learned from my past” (honorable mention: awkarin, my role model), suddenly become a smart and empowering woman, become rich, and I’ll die peacefully. Sounds legit, right?
But, nah, my introverted and lazy ass decided to just follow the stream of the river. Now, I only have to finish my degree, accepting the fact that learning DNA and molecular biology won’t get me anywhere and not doing numbers, moving on, learning another skill, get a 925 job that will pay me minimum wages, and die from having complex diseases due to overworking. Do I ever want a child? Nah, not really. At that time I think I only have enough for me to feed my mouth day by day.
So, what’s the end of this story? Of course, there is nothing. I just want to rant, get back to the hustle culture, and wishing that someday I could be a CEO of a startup that’s getting series A funding.